Because the enabler(s) will always solve problems for them, the enabled person does not learn how to solve their problems themselves. Enabling has the effect of releasing the enabled person from having to take responsibility for his or her behavior. Enabling means that someone else will always fix, solve, or make the consequences go away.
Support Your Recovery
For over 20 years Dr. Umhau was a senior clinical investigator at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism of the National Institutes of Health (NIH). This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship. The more you spend time, energy and financial resources on others, the more effect it can have on your own well-being.
An enabler does nothing to prevent substance abuse and instead provides circumstances that make it easier for that behavior to continue. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either. But even if all you want is to support your loved one, enabling may not contribute to the situation the way you might think it does.
You may discuss with your loved one what the possible consequences of actions might be, without feeling as if you must make sure they make the choice you want them to make. Healthy help puts your loved one in control and allows you to take a secondary role. On your side of the boundary, this means that you must learn to cope with, and internally manage, the anxiety of not being in control of your loved one. Many recovering enablers find that they must rely on their own sources of support to help them overcome the urge to control and enable. The fear of your loved one being hurt can be so overwhelming that setting boundaries and stepping back can be panic-inducing.
Once you realize that you are not helping but are actually enabling a loved one who is misusing alcohol, you may have no idea how to stop. While the term “alcoholic” was used in the past but is now viewed as outdated and stigmatizing. Today, healthcare professionals would say that a person has alcohol use disorder (AUD). When it comes to reducing alcohol-related stigma, words matter. A therapist can help you figure out how to set boundaries specific to your situation and practice self care around your interactions with the person you tend to enable, too. Enabling is an effort to control an uncontrollable situation.
- If you think your actions might enable your loved one, consider talking to a therapist.
- The enabled person may be one who is refusing to take on responsibilities he or she would otherwise be expected to take on in the course of age- and stage-appropriate development.
- Here are five of the most common patterns found in codependent relationships where partners enable their loved one—and a few suggestions to change the dynamic.
- Below Ive outlined several components that will help you to stop enabling.
- Giving the other person money allows them to continue engaging in destructive behavior.
- You may also feel hesitant or fearful of your loved one’s reaction if you confront them, or you could feel they may stop loving you if you stop covering up for them.
Risk Associated with Enabling Addicts
Understanding the difference between support and enabling is key to fostering healthier relationships, especially in the context of addiction recovery. Recognizing enabling behaviors and knowing how to address them can empower you and your loved ones towards a path of healthier interactions and personal growth. It’s about setting boundaries, encouraging professional help, and ensuring you’re taking care of yourself in the process. Remember, changing enabling behaviors takes patience and perseverance. By staying informed and committed, you’re taking a significant step towards supporting recovery in a way that’s truly helpful. When you’re tangled in the cycle of enabling an addicted loved one, the effects on your relationships extend far beyond the one with the person struggling with substance abuse.
Do Not Make Excuses
Moreover, there’s a misconception that confrontation and tough love are the only alternatives to enabling. This black-and-white thinking misses the nuanced reality of addiction recovery. Effective support tommy lee sober involves a balance of empathy, understanding, and firm boundaries.
This might involve experiencing financial hardships in order to keep providing for the other person financially or neglecting your own health in order to care for the other person physically. Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Our writers and reviewers are experienced professionals in medicine, addiction treatment, and healthcare.
When you’re not sure if you’re doing the best thing or what to do next, try coming back to the concept of boundaries. Enabling behaviors lack boundaries and perpetuate the problem. Supportive behaviors empower a person to make choices toward their recovery. It’s most often an intimate partner or close friend who passively and unknowingly encourages negative behaviors to continue. We may think we’re helping someone by enabling them, but we need to understand that we’re only making the problem worse. Even though we might have the best of intentions, we need to recognize the harm we’re causing and take steps to break the cycle—for the person’s own good as well as our own.
You can’t control the behavior of your loved one, but you can decide what you find unacceptable. No matter how badly you might want to be part of your loved one’s life, do not engage in the behaviors with them. Not only is fighting with someone who is misusing substances not likely to lead to any real resolution, but it’s also exhausting. So, not only are you not helping your loved one—you’re not taking care of yourself, either. You probably realize that purchasing alcohol for someone who is misusing it is clearly enabling—but what about giving them money?
